my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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