remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
