She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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