i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
