You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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