if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
