She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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