Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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