i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
there is puke in my bra ... again
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
