i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
