do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
