i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
