Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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