Having a random hookup so left but love u
operation harelip BJ is a go
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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