it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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