he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
