I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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