Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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