i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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