I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
