I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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