Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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