So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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