the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
