3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
