im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
