in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
smell my finger.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
