bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
