I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.