i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm