So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.