I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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