Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
