I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
