Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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