I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
