Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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