I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
