So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
