i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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