I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
