I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
