Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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