hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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