Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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