now i know why i became what i already was.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
