So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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