seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
