i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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