How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
