I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
