apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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