Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
