The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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