He asked to "fluff my boner.."
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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