Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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