If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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