I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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