Already got asked if we're dating
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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