i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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