I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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