i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
