According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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